Oh, god.
You really ordered this, did you?
We are together now.
As you may have gathered from the title, this is a column on sex toys that goes far beyond their usual function of spraying things up and going straight into the serial killer field. I'm so sorry.
It's too late to exit.
We're going to take this damn thing, you and I.
Try to remember that every picture under these words is roughly the same as your fantasy last night (
I know because I live under your bed).
But if you hold my paw while we jump into this thing, we may come out alive. Are you ready?
Yes, neither do I.
I know, though.
The jokes are great.
But in fact, what is coming is the painful NSFW.
Unless your boss is you, you may wait until you get home to check it out. 5Oomph!
You are a transparent inflatable doll, and on the sliding scale of your favorite porn quirks, ghosts are likely to rank between the clown and the IRS.
Everything about ghosts and gods is terrible and inner fear-
Even if your imagination can summon sexy ghosts, the lizard part of your brain will constantly look forward to jumping --
Fear, or at least a loud piano note to show penetration.
But Rule 34 is alive, good, so Hell, maybe having sex with a ghost can make you feel weird, you liar --
Not satisfied.
I'm kidding, of course.
Even the sex toy industry will never fall to the point where you think you want to make a ghost.
Obviously, they thought you wanted to kill ghosts.
The good-colored plastic bag is, and it's basically cheap. ass blow-
When everyone imagine a sex doll, they take pictures first and only see-
Cross and cut in half at the waist.
I don't know why.
If you want to see your own stuff flip a bunch of inconspicuous, swollen hips and sorrows, transparency can add a visual element.
No matter what you think, there's no real reason for all of this, because you're either the odd guy who likes to knock on the discounted garbage bag material, or the odd guy who sees the full bagbodied blow-
The doll said, "Yes, this is good, I think.
But if it's a victim of a tragic dismemberment, it will really improve my erection.
"What really made this toy for me was how the manufacturer took advantage of all these mediocre awesome ingredients and combined them together to do really impressive exercises in the following areasthe-
Fucking: It's clumsy, light, unpleasant, made of the most common and horrible material in business, and of course, it's almost certainly uncomfortable because it's not used.
Still, if you're really interested in ghost boning, Oomph could be a worthwhile acquisition.
It is impossible to be troubled by the souls tortured by the bisector Boris victims.
Have you ever had a terrible dream and everything suddenly turned into eyes? Or ?
Or vagina?
Are these all mine?
Will the last one be a nightmare? Yes. Yes, it would.
In fact, we have pretty good evidence to prove this, because a long time ago some poor King saw the dream and woke up wet and I would politely call it and start making it. Ha, wow.
That damn thing has so many frustrating Trump cardsGeddit?
I played it because it was masturbation! )
I don't know where to start.
In fact, it is a small piece of silicone covered by the vagina, because why not?
When you make f * k gloves for Clive Barker, a lonely anus will not offend anyone.
There is also the fact that it still somehow advertises itself as "non-
Infiltrate the product, which immediately defeats the full purpose of this horror --
Fully login.
Oh, it has at least one opening.
You just need to have a duck.
Style corkscrew dong is even close to conquering it: but even then it's not the stupidest and most disturbing thing in the rubber performance of social sickness.
This will be the way they describe the product: Please note that anyone in the sex toy manufacturing industry may read this: if the main selling point of your nightmare product is "Baby Skin ", even more realistic than the actual skin, "Please release your hostages and wait for the police to arrive, try not to make furniture with their faces this time.
The leather lampshade has not been popular for 30 years.
Keep up with the times.
Monthly Oral c * k RingWait, what's going on? A ?
It doesn't look so terrible.
It's the penis ring, right?
People are using these all the time, or, well, I was told.
Skip to the next entry to see if there's something better waiting for us.
Wait, we have other images?
Well, I might as well post it here before we move. Hahahahaha! Mother!
This is the most terrible thing I have ever seen in all the articles.
A fake mouth throws a real dick, it's a damn thing completely opposite the "blow work" c * k ring, it would be interesting if it didn't make me question everything I know about happiness.
Someone sat down somewhere to design the product and he said, "Yes, we're all done here," because he left the office that day and was proud of himself, he actually finished some things.
Dong vomited the funny look of the c * k ring after the nightmare, and its use brought convenience to the logistics of boning.
Imagine having sex with your dream partner: no matter how well executed, every thrust is forcibly kissed by cold, dead PVC lips.
Does this sound like "holy, let's do it again? No.
It sounds like "I may have died in it now, please put that disgusting crotch in the nearest stove.
"Hell, things won't get better even if we're just talking about hitting work;
Good luck when anyone has to face you up, convince them to look down on you and possibly give you an unnecessary kiss or 50 in the process.
Now we will all see the French nightmare.
Kiss a terrible plastic mannequin with a dick.
I want to say sorry but I think we all know I'm lying.
The most suitable new technology tends to be soaked in the suspect trendy Jacuzzi in the porn industry before entering the mainstream, and there is no doubt that virtual reality is no exception.
The good news is that this means that the glory of is has finally arrived.
The bad news is that the suit is now said to be on a technical level.
To make matters worse, they are from Japan.
Male reader, imagine that you are wearing that suit.
Female readers, imagine a male reader in that suit.
No matter how many sexy scenes the VR goggles throw into the eye hole on your face, does that stupid jerk look like an orgasm? Maybe it does.
I don't know your life, I don't want to make assumptions about your interest
Fi implemented these tools when squeezing the ridiculous fake chest tied to its own chest.
That's it. . .
Look at that terrible thing.
Seems remote Dong-safe to you?
If that's the case, it's just because you saw the gif I made with a carefully crafted demo video.
This is c * k-
In fact, the function of churn is: I'm not saying that this thing can't get you off the bus.
I'm just saying that when the machine finally rebelled, they would really appreciate the invention of a dick by a good human scientist --ripping-
So they don't have to leave the robot.
All kinds of body horror BonersI wrote one or six sex toy articles in my time, and if I learned one thing, it would be: if the only way you can start an entry is to compare it with John Carpenter's entry, it's always bad news, that is: have you seen John Carpenter's entry?
Specifically, the "thing" of the title "?
You remember that shape.
Are you transferring physical fear?
Now, wouldn't it be nice if it stuck to morph into a horrible animal monster, the only human part it can be bothered by imitation is dix? No, you say?
Will it be scary?
Well, hard tits, because here comes: Sacred tits.
That thing is an impressive representation of the exact shape.
If it had to mimic the male genitals and had not been told by Michael Bay, the moving alien could have become.
This is not the only one.
In the top image of this entry, you will see something powerful and more suitable for hatred --
Your good self, plus its droopy-
Ass, meaty cheeks and slightly disappointed "no, Cindy, you can't raise" facial expressions.
Throw so much fear on your Turtle Head
First of all, the testicles area of the toy is actually the winding, scaly tail of everything that evolution teaches you fear, and this obvious texture and fact is almost an afterthought.
Even if the company (
Yes, these are all made by one manufacturer)
Abandon its animal theme and focus mainly on humans
Like dildo's antics, it shakes the ship of reason by filling too many things in a shaft: the "triple hole" is no longer just an honor awarded by the Finnish Army to the bravest soldiers;
It's one thing you can do, all you need to do is spend a lot of money and a whole new thing, after you inevitably fall into the emergency room, this stupid damn thing got stuck in your ass and the inevitable camera crew for local news showed up.
Oh, I was a little dishonest before: These guys are selling more than just weird little chickens.
They also have. .
It's called a, so I think it's. . . yeah.
But look at that thing!
It's not even the main villain in a horror movie.
Too disgusting, too inefficient.
Look for that.
No, after you have survived your encounter with the first three horror Cocks, this thing will climb out of the shadows and eat your face in the middleCredit Sting.
At the end of the movie, it waved its nipples
The tentacles of the camera.
Did you miss the nipples on that thing? I didn't.
It's my job to notice such a thing.
Listen to my latest column next week, "I haven't drunk 6 brain cells in retaliation for the damn nipple tentacles.