Virgin/whore.
Good girl/bad girl
Feminine/inue.
You will think that so far we have a broader vocabulary to describe all the sexual complexity of women.
However, two recent books suggest that we are still defined by who we sleep.
Hopeless labels like this continue to haunt us, no wonder young women are so confused.
However, in addition to agreeing that young women are troubled by sex, authors Wendy Garrett and Leila Tananbaum have a lot to struggle.
Shalit's "Return to Modesty" is the declaration of restoring the virtues of women and the honor of men.
"Slut" by donnbaum!
"Growing women with a bad reputation" is an anatomy of feminist double standards of sex.
According to Shalit, many female pathology-
Eating disorder, self
Self-harm low self-harmesteem --
Is the result of over-culture.
Tanenbaum regards women as victims of double standards, which characterized promiscuous women as "sluts" and used labels such as "stud" to flatter promiscuous men. "In fact," Slut!
"The slang terms for sexually active women and men are listed at the beginning.
I remember this exercise in my introduction to the women's studies class at university on 1990 ---
Even so, it seems quite obvious.
What American women do not know is that if she is acting "loose", when I admit that it is more sympathetic to Tanenbaum's idea than Shalit, it has an impact and I find the sincerity and kindness of Tanan Baum
The study books are dry and there is no special revelation.
Shalit's book, though maddening in its magnificent statement (the ballroom dance is back, so women are back in a state of modesty!
), Is a vivid, provocative reading.
The 24-year-old Shalit writes for The Wall Street Journal, reviews, national reviews, and the City Journal, a publication by the Manhattan Institute.
The 30-year-old Tanenbaum is a contributor to the MS.
Women's Review of Books and countries.
While both women claim to have tapped the minds of young women, their theories are clearly influenced by personal experiences as well.
When Shalit was a Williams College student, she wrote a column for the review, titled "her own women's room," about the dormitory that could not live in a men's and women's bathroom.
She immediately became the darling of conservatives.
When the article was later published in Reader's Digest, Shalit said she received hundreds of letters from young women who said they had the same embarrassment but were too scared
Six years ago, when Tanenbaum read a poll by the American College Women's Association, it was found that two of the five girls in the country had spread rumors about them, she was prompted to write an article for seventeen about the trauma she suffered as a high school "slut.
"The magazine has received hundreds of letters from young women who say they have been defamed, ridiculed and harassed for their true or perceived sexual experiences.
Tanenbaum said it is booming.
I propose to have a conversation with these two women, and hopefully between the three of us, we can imagine some actual intermediate positions between "slut" and "modesnick, "Shalit refers to women who wear long skirts before marriage and have no sexual relations.
For a young woman, there is no safe, healthy way to stay curious and content without maintaining chastity or exclusion ---
At the very least, if you were to listen to our conversation in the Manhattan apartment in tannam Baum on a recent Sunday afternoon, you would not have done so.
No hair though-
Pull, scream or cat-
During the fighting, the two women held their positions firmly.
Nevertheless, there are some shocking ladies in the interaction.
They even wore the same clothes and sweater suits, although Tanenbaum's black dress was short when Shalit was long.
When we eat strawberries politely and drink iced coffee, the two often push each other.
This, of course, is partly due to the fact that Shalit dominates the conversation and delivers the message seriously.
Like the president of the high school debate team, she cleverly shaped every problem according to her beliefs.
Tanan Baum tried not to interrupt her.
When she did speak, she had the statistics and reasonable arguments.
But when Shalit's friend picked her up an hour later, she was cut off forever and our short conversation stopped.
It didn't get a little cranky until we accepted the conversation online later.
However, our conversation started and Shalit praised Tanenbaum for writing about the double standard of sex.
Wendy Garrett: Over the last 30 years, we have said to women, "You have to be like a man.
"Since we attach importance to male promiscuity rather than female promiscuity, the solution is to attach importance to female promiscuity and then there will be equality!
What I want to see is not about how vulgar we can compete, but about how kind and civilized we can compete.
We should say to women: "sensitivity is right, and emotions are right when making love.
It is morbid not to do so.
"We also need to tell people to value modesty.
This is not the case before 100.
Don Juan is so important because he is not an ordinary person. he is an abnormal person.
At that time, being a real man meant sticking to a woman.
We need to restore this concept of honor.
How do you advise us to instill "honor" in menette: Sexual harassment legislation has not been successful.
That is why the code of conduct is so important.
Leora Tanenbaum: I would like to talk about the idea that girls, like boys, are considered promiscuity.
I think the girl's information is getting more complicated and contradictory--
On the one hand, as you said, they should be curious about sex.
At the same time, they were told that they should not have sexual desire, which is slutty.
The information comes from the same place.
Shalit: the choice of women is very narrow.
You are expected to be a slut or you have no desire at all.
What I like about modesty is that it is the opposite of Pollard.
Pollard suggests you can't move anything.
Promiscuity is the other side--
Another denial of feelings
But Modesty means your sexual feelings and emotional feelings, and you have hope.
Modesty ensures that you are with the right person before you expose something fragile.
You should not prove that you have desire through early love.
All the research shows that girls with this behavioresteem.
Not having sex does not mean you have no desire;
This means you have to set and respect your boundaries.
Tanenbaum: this is the information that girls and boys deserve ---
Sexual desire is a natural part of adolescence. if you choose to do what you want, you 'd better wait for it to be controlled in a loving relationship.
Shalit: Now that we agree with this message, you think it should come from parents, stanenbaum, a sex teacher: both.
I was angry after reading your fourth grade sex education. -
Not because you had sex in the fourth grade, but because you were not old. appropriate.
Shalit: Well, because of the discomfort it causes, I'm challenging the whole foundation of sex education.
Culture tells us that we have to overcome the discomfort of sex.
I think the uncomfortable child is instinctive and it will protect them.
They will figure it out without sex education.
Our parents have no sex education and they are fully capable of having us.
I figured it out myself--
The Stork Bird brought you!
But historically, women do not have sexual pleasure or orgasm.
This is not something you have to learn by yourself.
Shalit: I don't think you need to learn the climax in the fourth grade.
Tanenbaum: you shouldn't know "69" but I have no problem with the fourth one
Students who learn masturbation.
Shalit: But happiness is different from sexual violence and protecting the innocence of children.
If sex is not a sacred thing, if it is something you can talk about and there is no obstacle --
I think you will be very difficult in educating boys.
Part of their civilization is mystery, reverence, and dignity.
When you give them these words at such a young age, the nature of teasing will be more fierce.
In this way, girls are more vulnerable because they do not have this embarrassment to protect themselves.
If they don't sleep with someone, they are told they have problems and they are uncomfortable with their body.
This makes them more vulnerable to sexual atrocities and date rape, as the children are told that any silence is unintelligible.
Lessons about honor and respect and what not to talk about are better than having them shout "penis! Penis! Vagina! Vagina! " as they do.
Tanenbaum: I have a big problem with the fact that people are not comfortable with being sexy.
We should teach sex education from birth.
Sex and pregnancy rates among adolescents in the United States and Europe were compared.
In France, 9 of the 1,000 girls gave birth;
It is 7 years old in Holland. But in the U. S. , it's 54.
It's not that there are more abortions in Europe, because in fact there are more abortions here.
My theory is that sex is considered a normal part of youth development in Europe.
The people here are very uncomfortable with it.
Shalit: But if what you're saying is true, then 30 years ago, we should have more unmarried mothers and more teenage girls pregnant because at that time we were more uncomfortable talking about sex.
I don't think we're so happy with sex right now.
Shalit: We're certainly more comfortable talking about it at school!
We believe that through sex education, we will become more comfortable and reduce teenage pregnancy because people will know about sex.
On the contrary, the opposite happened.
In my book, I talked about a 15-year-
Old girl angry because her parents let her and her boyfriend alone, because it makes it hard for her to say "no ".
"She ended up saying she had menstruation, but it would only delay him for a week.
Finally, she had sex and she asked the boy if she could put on her jersey.
I think it's sad.
Social support for modesty has disappeared from her.
All the excuses a girl used to give were gone.
There was no way out for her.
Parents no longer give positive advice to boys or girls. -
Everyone is their own.
For children, talking and rumors are an attempt to find order in such an environment;
They are creating their own moral world.
If we really want to do something about girls who feel stressed to have sex at a very young age, we can't tell them that modesty and embarrassment are a sign of discomfort to your body. It's not --
This is a sign of self. respect.
We should send this message to girls and boys.
I agree that it's much easier to say "I have to say 'no because people can talk.
"It's easier because you didn't offend the boy and he didn't feel rejected.
In such an environment, however, there are also slut-
Just because of the girl's physical or socio-economic status, or because a boy is angry because she says "no", he wants revenge.
So while I agree that excuses make life easier in many ways, they also make things difficult.
Shalit: we have these boring, dull "hooks" on college campuses "--ups.
People are like planes. -
Come on, hook up.
It has no life at all and nothing really sexy.
Really depressed!
The next day, date-
Rape allegations continue and no one knows what to do.
On the other hand, a new study by the University of California, Los Angeles, shows that more women than ever oppose casual sex and respond to 60-year-old morality.
You can go back to the ballroom and dance.
We have gone so far in the direction of "let it all go out" that there is no other place to go.
Tanenbaum: I want to take a step back to solve the problem of a girl in your book who wants a reason not to have sex.
A large part of the reason girls feel they can't say "no" is related to the fact that they can't say "yes.
You're a slut if you say yes.
If you say no, you're a serious person.
Maybe she has some desire. maybe she doesn't know how she feels.
What did she do? a lot of girls just kept silent--
They don't know what to say.
Because they feel that they are paralyzed, many boys mistakenly think that "no" means "yes ".
It's a feminist slogan: "It doesn't always mean no.
But sometimes "no" means "yes"-
If you don't feel capable of saying yes ".
Shalit: this is where I like to be modest. -
This is all about women's privilege.
Grab the solution-
What you describe is not that girls need to say "yes" or "no" more, but rather give them an overall framework: "Before you find the right person, you will say "no" to many people ".
But if you keep saying "no", how do you know that the experiment has no value when you find the "right" person ---
Both physically and emotionally: I don't think you have to have a lot of experience to have a happy sex life.
According to statistics, married couples have the best sex life, and single women with active sex life have the worst sex life.
Researchers who are promoting Viagra and other things to address sexual "dysfunction" have never thought that perhaps these single women should not have all these sex with men who have not promised them.
People turn modesty into a pathology in which you need all these pills to help you overcome it.
Another study shows that when you live together before marriage ---
Obviously there are exceptions. -
You're less likely to get married.
Having more experience means you have more knowledge, which does not exist in reality.
Sometimes you are just more cynical.
Tenanbaum: the ideal of modesty is great in theory, but what I am worried about is that it is easy to trap the double standard of sex.
Some young women may most want to wait in love and start their first sexual contact, but for whatever reason they have desires, they want to take action before meeting the "right" person.
I am afraid that they will feel guilty and ashamed because of their sexual desire.
I am also worried that they will make the wrong choice for their partner, maybe getting married too young.
Shalit: in our humble society, we have more double standards today.
Do you remember those spur organizations who got points for raping girls? This kind of thing will never happen before 100.
If you touch a woman in the wrong way, you will be defaced.
Tananbaum: The rape happened in her 50 s.
Shalit: I don't idealize '50' because there are so many things that have gone wrong.
One of the myths I debunked was that modesty was about Victorian.
It's not, it goes back to the Bible.
Tananbaum: in the Talmud, modesty is an ideal choice for both men and women.
But it has shrunk.
Shalit: from the "Restore eufilia" and other studies of younggirls, we hear a girl who doesn't know how to set the boundaries, who wants to set the boundaries, she is in contact with porn and other sexually explicit material, unhappy people, people who are cutting themselves or starving.
She has a bunch of questions because she doesn't think her romantic hopes make any sense.
We have to tell her, "it's not surprising that you have romantic hopes.
But I also don't want a girl to feel weird if she doesn't have those hopes.
If a young woman should not have sex before marriage, what is the proper way for her to satisfy her sexual desire? I don't think we need to add masturbation to the explicit chorus here.
Children don't want their parents to tell them how to do it.
They want to be told how not to do so.
Tanenbaum: I don't think parents or educators should tell you how to use vibrators, but I think that information should be provided.
Shalit: When do you think children should be taught masturbation: they should be taught when they are very young, there is no problem.
Shalit: Don't you think that's weird from adults? No, I think it's good.
In the media, there is a lot of attention to male sexual desire, and there is little attention to female sexual desire.
For women, more emphasis is on romance.
Ideally, I think sex should be used in a romantic relationship, but this ideal is impossible or undesirable for everyone.
The emphasis on romance is almost always on girls.
Garrett: Don't you think there are a lot of books telling girls that romance is a concept of being a man and a woman, shouldn't we buy the whole prince charming thing? I think women want romance because it's natural.
They want to live-long partner.
Romance is more popular than nature. -
Shalit: there are porn on the market.
I don't think romantic emotions are social structures.
Tanenbaum: But the marketing efforts of people who publish romance novels have a greater impact on young girls than academicians.
Many teenagers are having sexual intercourse.
According to a recent federal survey, 48% of girls are having sex and 49% of boys are having sex.
These numbers are high, but not so high.
Many girls are still virgins.
Shalit: Yes, 70% of girls are disappointed with their temporary experience.
Tanenbaum: Is that because they are more interested in romance? I would be interested to know what you all think of the Supreme Court decision that holds the school accountable for sexual harassment occurring at the school.
Shalit: the code of conduct is more important than the heavy punch of the law, because it is too late when the law intervenes.
Every time you have a sexual educator say, "Don't be embarrassed ! " These codes of conduct will be violated.
Talk about your penis!
"The boys are going to have that class and use it on the playground.
In his objections, Judge Kennedy basically said that there is no such thing as sexual harassment between children, which is the concept of adults.
But Leora, you outlined a lot of situations in the school that seem to be harassment to me.
Tanenbaum: Yes, you're not dealing with harassment of exchange conditions, you're dealing with serious, ongoing sexual objectification. Two-
More than 30 high school girls said they were pinched or caught in a unwanted and sexual way.
Shalit: It's never too early to teach children how to be human.
Is it too late to teach them civilized manners now? During the ceremony of the youth abstinence movement, teenagers can restore their virginity. Tanenbaum: I'm worried about the double standard of sex.
Although they are for girls and boys, the message to girls is different: "You ruined ---
So sign this one-man oath.
Shalit: My question about abstinence movement is that abstinence is about "no, no, no!
Although modesty is about "Yes ---
Find the right person.
Again, if you are "modest" and feel eager, what is the proper way to express this idea: sublimation! ---------------------
The day after we met, I received an email
Shalit's email, which I forwarded to Tanenbaum for her response: Shalit: a summary thought: I think promoting let's-all-be-
The philosophy of debauchery is that we ignore the signals this attitude sends to people.
It contributes to the vulgar culture, which in turn affects the way men treat women.
I have noticed that women who advocate "Let's all be prostitutes" are usually women who turn around and complain when men are sexually harassed or rude to them.
So basically they want men to be gentlemen without the need for women to be ladies.
This will never happen.
It is good for women to take responsibility for their great civilized influence in society.
I think that's the key difference between me and Leora.
Tanenbaum: Who is saying "let's all be sluts" away from it ".
The "Slut" label is harmful and a girl who is considered slut is very vulnerable. Many so-
People who are called sluts become promiscuous after being labeled, because they may not have sex at all before.
These girls are usually very unhappy because they make love to prove a point, not necessarily because they feel happy to make love.
In addition, the boys thought the school slut was "easy "---
So they feel entitled to what they get from her.
Several girls and women I interviewed told me that there were several groups of boys who were either gang members --
Rape or try to rape them
As for the other girls-
Those who are not called "sluts" may even be involved in Sluts --bashing --
Labels hurt them too.
Fear of being considered "slutty", these are so-
Girls known as "good girls" are less likely to carry or use birth control pills and are therefore prone to pregnancy and illness.
As for the argument that girls must be "good" in order for boys to behave properly, I am concerned about the meaning of being a "good" girl.
Once you start to qualify some women as "good", you will inevitably qualify other women as "bad ".
Once you start to think that some girls are "bad", essentially you are saying that these girls should not be respected.
Ironically, I find that so many girls who are considered lewd do not even have special sexual activity, and they are barely more sexually active than their peers.
So good girl/bad girl things are fake.
Its purpose is to raise some girls and belittle others and it hurts everyone in the long run.
Boys will respect girls and when we have a personality standard for both men and women, there will be less unloving, casual sexual contact ---
That's when we were on gender equality.