I lay on my back and there was a wand on my wazoo. It’s not a fun-
I must point out that the magic wand of time
It has a camera on it and it gives me a good wake up.
My ultrasound doctor is very pregnant.
Of course not.
From a more technical point of view, I do pelvic ultrasound there.
I'm 50 and now it's time to control the pain from my somewhat irregular menstruation.
It turns out to be a bit of uterine fibroids, nothing unusual and nothing bad --just there -
Enough to cause trouble.
Uterine fibroids are a bit like EMS but a bit different and I don't quite understand
In non-professional terms, it explains why an ovary "sticks" and does not want to move in response to the wand, which causes the same throbbing anger pain that I feel every month.
I backed down as the pressure increased
But the good thing is, this is the middle of a standard-
Old woman stuff.
I will try a hormonal contraceptive with some fear and hope to end the business before the menstrual period really starts. Anyway.
This is not the point of this story.
The point is that within 10 minutes of the wand's investigation, a crash of existence.
I know there are so many women coming to the moment I'm going through today, much earlier than they were in their 50 s, it's a special, jagged sadness that I just had with this sadness
Of course, there are many iterations of fertility calculation for women --
This is mine.
Lying there, I went back to my 30 s.
I'm in the same bed, in the same room, in my 18-week-
The old fetus, got a big needle in my abdomen and in my amniotic sac.
I had a miscarriage a few months ago.
I have a new relationship with a beautiful man with zero assets.
I was worried about my work and made a serious renovation of my house to turn it from a slum to a place suitable for small families --
My home is huge after it's brand newdivorce buy-
The budget is extremely limited without a mortgage.
Therefore, I am very anxious.
Testing is terrible for the risks it brings to my whole person --of-heart-and-
Have the spirit of the child.
Today, 15 years later, the healthy baby is in his teens. this is another story.
Lying there today, there is a strange sense of time around me that has collapsed.
I feel like that time and now, the fullness and emptiness in my womb, and everything that happens around me.
The wand was detected for a long time.
I think I'm flexible.
The Pap test and the chest squeeze breast X-ray are all fine, but this damp, hard thing, squeezing around, illuminates the center of my life.
I can't see the emptiness.
All the dark spots and dark spots are like staring into the abyss or falling into the grave.
My thoughts have shifted to the period between my 20 s and my 40 s, and I now realize that this is a stable state.
Your body is now on track from adolescence.
You are now an adult with fertility and there is no reason to think about an abstract future when it all ends.
Fertile affects your whole reality
The way you travel through time and space.
It affects your motivation and passion.
For work, for family, for friendship.
Party, dance, the vast world.
You are looking for and building.
You are not just fertile.
You have a dream about your career and you are mature with your commitment.
Others will take care of you, you work hard, you get support, you imagine what you will bring with your hard work.
This commitment is so exciting.
All possibilities
You are there, in control, completely amazing.
Of course, the ability to have children at this point in time is often a responsibility, and worrying about pregnancy (becoming or avoiding becoming) is a constant noise. . .
It felt like a crazy roller coaster at the time,. . . You. Are. On. Track.
Even if you hate pain, uncertainty, fear of pregnancy, sexual stress --
The uterus and its hormones beat at your core.
There is no doubt that I like 50 years old.
Who loves who and how to solve all the consumption problems.
The bad career dilemma has finally been well addressed, with new research, new work, amazing respect from others, which, frankly, has led to my impostor syndrome.
All of a sudden, I became a mentor, and I loved the smart young people that I could support and suggest, our common conversation.
Although I am no longer slim, my body seems to change every week, and in addition to the wardrobe malfunction, I celebrate my new firmness, turning me from black hair to gray people with blond hair.
I'm kicking boxing, I'm sprinting in the park, I'm used to the chest
And a muffin.
In the end, I didn't judge my body, and I couldn't wait for the end of the painful period. It is there, however.
Looking at my empty uterus, I face it deeply.
Now, I'm thinking about my friends who have "female issues" over time ".
Lost the uterusTheir cervix. Breast cancer.
Their women's bodies open themselves up for who they are and challenge their presence.
I gave them love and compassion at the time, but I didn't really "get ".
I see now. As the soon-to-
Being a mother showed me my future with her wand, tears surprised me.
There is only one child.
Now, the edge of the possibility of Blur is clearly over.
I have seen how my little uterus changes. It’s not bad.
It may be good.
But the weirdest thing is.
So strange.